On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just high enough for therapy.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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