woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
