you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
