I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
