You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
