I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
