I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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