$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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