Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
