I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
