I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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