first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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