Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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