remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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