Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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