So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
