Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Oh god it's open bar.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
