I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
