I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Randomize
