there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have so many feelings about this burrito
there is puke in my bra ... again
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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