I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
