You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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