I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
