Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
