You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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