So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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