you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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