the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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