remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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