The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Randomize
