You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
its not stalking. its research.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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