Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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