if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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