I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
