So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize