so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
you had me at cake vodka
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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