Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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