ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I need to calm my uterus...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
