end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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