Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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