i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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