My hand turned me down
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
