Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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