I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
