Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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