I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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