worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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