I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
