If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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