Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
