I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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