I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
