i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
