I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
