They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
