so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
