He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
then he tried to convert me to islam
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
