My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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