Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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