She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
