his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
