Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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