There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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