it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
