you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
