My hair reeks of homosexuality.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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