i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
