i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
