I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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